I’m just gonna come right out and say it… The main problem with being seventeen is all these new feelings and life experiences. Sure, some are great, but most I am totally unqualified and completely unprepared for. Then again I’m the kind of girl who gets anxious when I have to give the person driving me home directions. Actually now that I think about it, I get nervous over A LOT of unnecessary crap. I mean when it comes to big life decisions I can say “fuck it, what’s the worst that could happen?” pretty quickly, but when it comes to little things(like accidentally not holding the door for someone or going on a bus route I’ve never been on before) I have like twelve internal mini panic attacks. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Shouldn’t I be stressing over the big shit and not worrying about the small stuff? I’d like to blame my teenage hormones for my strange thought process, but I have a feeling this ones all on me.
I could go on all night about how weirdly internally anxious I am, but that’s not what I came on to talk about. Instead I came on here to talk about some awkward life experiences, and a few nice ones. Why don’t I just talk to my friends about this instead of sending it out into the world-wide web to get ignored, you ask. Well, that’s mainly because I’m going through this weird teen angst where I don’t want to bug my friends with my worries and for some reason I feel like they wouldn’t really get it despite the fact that they’re probably going through similar shit. Stupid, I know, but at least I can admit it. That’s gotta count for something, right?
Seventeen is such a weird age because you’re expected to make some of the biggest decisions of your life while simultaneously being treated like a child. I’m lucky enough to live with people who don’t treat me like a kid, they treat me like an actual person. It honestly makes everything so much fucking easier. However I know so many completely functional teenagers whose parents treat them like incompetent children while still pressuring them to choose a college and career path. It just seems like a really odd concept. I’m personally not really feeling this awkward transitioning stage and can’t wait to get a little older. Although I’m sure the only thing age does is trick people into thinking they’re a little more prepared for situations they’re actually not at all prepared for. I’m sure no adult actually knows what they’re doing, but they’ve been conditioned to act like they do so they can function in society and make everyone who’s in the process of growing up a little less scared. Fake it till ya make it, right? Right.
Anyways, without further ado here are some of my most awkward(and pleasant) life experiences laid out for you to laugh at, roll your eyes at, scoff at, or preferably just understand. I mean understanding would be a nice response, but considering this is the internet, I’m not really expecting that.
I’ve had so many uncomfortable experiences during my seventeen years on this planet, I’m not even sure where to begin. Lets see, we have awkward sexual encounters, a new job, strong views on everything that’s wrong with the world that no one takes seriously because I’m a teenager who likes One Direction, my experience of getting my first tattoo, awkward(and completely unwarranted)sexual thoughts towards people I’m not even very attracted to, awkward(and completely unwarranted- as well as grossly intense and weirdly random) romantic feelings for idiots who don’t deserve it, relationship fails, random feelings of nostalgia for things I’ve never even done, and so much more. Take your pick..
I think I’ll start off with “awkward and completely unwarranted, as well as grossly intense and weirdly random romantic feelings for people who don’t deserve it” because that seems to be the most relevant choice for me right now. I’ve had the same weird, reoccurring, but completely unexplainable crush on a guy since like grade eight. I mean, the crush has been on and off, but it’s always back on at some point. Basically we dated for like a month, but we were thirteen and went to different schools so obviously it died out pretty quickly. Then out of nowhere like halfway through grade ten we started texting and talking on Facebook a lot. He can be kinda cool while still maintaining fuckboy status. For the past couple years he’d act like he likes me, but do nothing about it. Every time I’d try to bring it up he’d just change the subject. After that I’d figure I was reading way too much into the situation and slowly start to drift away.. only to be pulled right back in. He’d make me feel special, I’d actually start to believe he liked me, he’d freeze up, I’d pull away and be bummed. It’s an endless cycle that kept repeating itself up until like two months ago. The only problem is eventually my stupid crush on him(and his lack of a filter and basic human decency… and perhaps mine as well) almost caused someone else to get a little bummed too.
About a year ago he started dating this girl. I mean, she’s kinda annoying, but nice enough. Nice enough that I regret doing what I’m about to tell you. Well lets just say me and that guy -her boyfriend– started talking again. We’d Facebook message, text, Snapchat, and even Skype a couple of times. Anyways after a few months it got to that weird “I don’t know what to feel because you keep flirting with me and sending me intense vibes while simultaneously making me feel like I don’t matter to you” situation. At first I thought to myself “well, he has a girlfriend so it’s probably nothing so I should just chill and stop thinking about another girls boyfriend” but as the intense sexual vibes grew my conscience shrunk. Just to clarify nothing happened between him and I..other than some flirting and sexual innuendos, but God, I wanted something to happen. I really did, and I feel fucking terrible about it. Despite not doing anything, knowing that I would have if I was given the chance.. well, it really fucks me up. Do I still feel some weird sort of way for him? Yes.. and no. I don’t know how it’s possible to really dig someone while simultaneously despising them, but that’s how I feel. A realization occurred to me one night after a couple Taylor Swift songs… and a couple of glasses of wine. I don’t need to be around people who make me feel down… ever. I can totally cut people out of my life for literally any reason I see fit with no explanation whatsoever.. So that’s what I did. During my drunken stupor that consisted of Taylor Swift songs and a Marvel marathon I was also texting him. Except something was different. I don’t know if it was the courageous heroes in the background, the Taylor Swift, or the wine, but for some reason I was not having any of his shit. He sent me some stupid flirtatious text saying that I was much more fun than his girlfriend and I basically blew him off… and not in a subtle way either. Then he made a joke about not being good enough and I flat out confirmed it by replying a simple “lol true :p” or something along those lines. Was it one of the bitchiest things I’ve ever done in my life? Absolutely. Do I regret it? No. This guy was flirting with me and also complaining about how “lame” his girlfriend was on a daily basis. He doesn’t deserve me(or his girlfriend) at least not until he gets his shit together. I’m not saying that I wasn’t in the wrong, I was. What I’m saying is that he fucked up too and in a way that I don’t agree with. I’ve always hated the idea of cheating so why would I even entertain the idea of trying to get with someone in a relationship? That night I realized that no one is worth blurring the lines between what you believe to be right and wrong.
Feelings are weird. For example, I don’t know why I felt like I needed to share that story, but for now I’m glad that I did. I think the main reason I didn’t start feeling immediately guilty about liking someones boyfriend was because before I even started my continuation of the pathetic cycle she started texting and facebook messaging me asking if I still had feelings for him and shit after him and I talked for like a week(after not talking for a few months.) The way I saw it, she assumed I wanted her boyfriend, I got offended and then actually intentionally did what she assumed I would do as a passive aggressive “screw you.” I mean, yeah it’s weird as hell she’d be basically quizzing me on my friendship with her boyfriend, but I don’t think it warranted me trying to get with him. I know it sounds like I’m trying to minimize my fuck up, but I’m really not. I’m trying to be honest. Like even one of the worst people I’ve ever met thought this girl needed to lay off with the messages. Anyways, there’s one of my uncomfortable life experiences. If you want to read another one, you’re in luck. I’ll post one or two more uncomfortable ones and a positive one on this article thing(then maybe a few positive ones in a different post.)
For the next uncomfortable life experience I’ll talk about “awkward(and completely unwarranted)sexual thoughts towards people I’m not even very attracted to” ..why would I want to put this out on the internet? Well, the short answer is that I’m a fucking idiot. The long answer is I’m a fucking idiot who needs to vent, but doesn’t exactly like talking to other people. So I just occasionally spew crap out onto the internet and hope that it doesn’t go completely unnoticed. Also, I watched a few episodes of Awkward earlier today so I felt kind of inspired to update my blog in a traditional “angsty teen” way. Plus maybe some other angsty teen will come across this post and realize what they’re feeling(if they can actually relate to this) is completely normal -or at least I hope it is.
How do I even start this paragraph? Well, I guess I’ll start it out by saying that completely random sexual attraction towards someone you were convinced you weren’t attracted to is confusing and I can’t stand it. Like does this ever stop as you get older or do you just randomly change your mind about people and become attracted to them without any warning whatsoever for the rest of your life? Like for example there’s this guy and at first I saw him as average looking and wouldn’t have really given him a second thought in that way, but I got to know him a little more and the more we talk the more it’s like “yeah, he could get it.” If you don’t understand this that’s fine, I don’t really understand it myself. All I know is that sometimes there will be someone who I’ve never once had a single sexual thought about(and might even find unattractive)then one day we’ll be talking and my mind will do a complete 180 and I’ll start to find them super attractive. Why? I’m not actually that interested in an answer. It was more of a whiny “why me?” than anything.
I guess I’ll move on to my next subject: “random nostalgia for things I’ve never even really done.” This is probably the weirdest experience of them all because I basically miss doing things I’ve never even done. Like what? Is that even a thing? I hope it is because I really don’t want to sound like a crazy person. I guess I’ll see someone doing something in a movie or on a show, or like I’ll even just see a picture on Instagram and it’ll trigger this weird feeling of nostalgia. I’m not really sure what else to say about that one. I honestly thought I could drag it out for a couple of paragraphs, but I can’t and it’s too late to erase all of this now.
I’ll do one more of whatever this is, but it’ll be a positive one this time to remind myself(and all of you) that life isn’t full of weird, random, and confusing crap. I think one of the most positive experiences I can think of is concerts. There’s just something so amazing about them. I mean, you and a bunch of other people go to one place and hang out for one reason: music. Like you’re all so different, but in those few hours there’s one thing that connects you in more ways than one. It’s amazing how music is so powerful that way. It’s amazing how concerts bring people together, including the fans and the artist/band. During concerts you see the person next to you going through so many different emotions over the course of a couple of hours, it’s amazing that people essentially just making noise can move people and cause so many people to feel such raw emotions. It’s nice that people can go somewhere and despite their differences they can just feel connected to someone or something, whether it’s The 1975, One Direction, 5sos, ZZ Top, Black Sabbath, or anyone else. It doesn’t matter, it’s all music and everyone’s there for the music. It’s rad.
So this has been a really out of character post that will probably never happen again. I hope this somehow helped someone feel a little less confused or alone about feelings and life and shit. Honestly though, I’ll be content even if you just read it and went “wow, well at least I’m not like her!” Anyways, it’s 6:30am and I’m running low on caffeine, which means it’s time for bed.